Jonesin For Josie

I am the friend christine is taking about, but I figured I’d add some information of my own.

My mom is abusive. My dad was abusive. My first girlfriend was abusive.

My mother does care for me in a way, but her caring about me is all about showing how good a mother she is. I’m not allowed to not say “I love you too”, she shows up to things, even if I tell her not to. In regards to me losing my scholarship (due to trans issues and depression), her words were “I failed, you failed”; it’s all about her building up her sense of worth via building up the value of her motherhood, and nothing is allowed to challenge that image.

But the thing is, I think I need long term hosting. If it its presented as me running away, that will severely undermine her sense of value of her motherhood. So she’ll call me and cry and try to guilt me back home (why would you do this to your mother?), or call and brow beat me into coming home.

ETA: I’m in NYC

She has yelled at me to the point that I utterly shut down, then noted I shut down, then yelled at me for shutting down

She’s a psychologist.

And I hate that I’m not brave enough to just run. But I’m not. So, I’ll have to present it as me moving out if I want to escape this emotional prison, I think. That is the only solution I can see. Let her keep her illusion of quality motherhood. Just let me out.

Also: think I might be too old for the door, and at the hott program a callen lorde I once told a social worker that I didn’t feel safe anywhere and his response was to stop making excuses for myself and my behavior/failure to complete a task. While he doesn’t work there anymore (he moved), it hardly filled me with confidence on their ability to help with, or even recognize, abuse. And the social worker I’ll probably be referred to is one of the facilitators for the shitty support group that invalidated my anger and wanted me to use I statements to deal with people denying my humanity, so, again, not inspiring confidence. But thank you to everyone who’s tried to help. I really do appreciate it

So, yeah, any help people can offer me would be superb